Santa Claus (aka “Jolly Fatboy”): 5’10″, 289lbs. Poor cardio endurance due to too many cookies. Sly bastard makes for a good goalie strictly based on general girth and ability to slide thanks to practice in chimneys.

Adolf Hitler (aka “The Beast of Berlin”): 5’8″, 156lbs. Despite being a non-smoking vegetarian, this man has never touched a pigskin and health complaints include irritable bowel syndrome, skin lesions, irregular heartbeat, tremors due to Parkinson’s disease, syphilis and a meth addiction. Decent strategist, good for building team spirit, weak player.

Mother Teresa (aka “Saint of the Gutters”)- 4’10″, 97lbs. Obviously a better bowler than a footballer, see nickname. Short, underweight, and elderly. But don’t let the pacemaker fool you: this tough little lady is all about sacrifice and can sometimes pull off miracles.

Idi Amin Dada (aka “Lord of All Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular”) – 6’3″, 230lbs. Serious contender. Raging megalomania and propensity towards genocide combine with army training to create a formidable opponent. Amin held Uganda’s light heavyweight boxing championship from 1951 to 1960. In an internal memo, the British Foreign Office described him as “A splendid type and a good football player”. Admires his fellow teammate Adolf, but the feeling is not mutual.

*I see that you are into graphic novels. This is a new found hobby of mine. What can you recommend for a beginner? I am just about to read “The Pride of Baghdad.*