The Great Bikini Race of 2010

My feelings about spandex are that it is a privilege, not a right. Bikinis, which are just very small pieces of spandex that expose a large amount of flesh, should in my personal opinion be the exclusive purview of people who are very young and very fit, or professionally really, really, ridiculously good looking. In short, bikinis are not for me.

However. That being said, I also have some very clear images in my mind about what a vacation in the sun in Mexico should look like. It should involve cold beverages with tiny umbrellas. Sombreros. Massive, gaudy beach towels. Coconut-scented SPF. And of course, bikinis. During my ongoing family photo project, I unearthed some pics of my Mum & Dad vacationing in Mexico in the early 70s. My Mum, clocking in at a lithe 110lbs soaking wet, was sporting a very small swimsuit. My Dad looked very pleased about this fact.

Thus, I have decided to kick my running training up a notch and try to squeeze my blindingly white bottom into a pair of rather petite string bikinis while I still can, before the ravages of advancing age and the unspeakable nightmare that is cellulite spoil the dream forever. After all, it’s not like the prospect of wearing a bikini is going to get any more appealing (for myself or my pitiable onlookers) as I get older.

Observe my own personal crucible:

Achtung! These are not clothes meant for actual submersion in water! These are exclusively for posing by the swim-up pool bar, trying to look nonchalant while actually frantically sucking in one’s abdomen and wondering if you can casually sneak a peek down to check if all your strings are still tied.

To achieve this end, I’m hoping to run 5k on five out of every seven days in January, and to eat as healthily as possible until my departure on Jan 28. And maybe do some situps. And possibly investigate liposuction.

Another helpful motivator to keep me training is that I’ve signed up for a full roster of races for 2010 already, including my first full marathon in September (no guarantees; I might chicken out of that one).

This is partly because due to an accident in overbooking, I’ll be spending the last weekend of March in Boston attending PAX East, instead of running in Hamilton where I had agreed to do the oldest race in North America, the “Around the Bay Road Race” 30k in Hamilton, as a relay with Indigirl and Twiggy. Many thanks to my Top Gear-loving partner in crime CarbonMan for taking my place for the last leg of the run!

Here’s the running roster for 2010 so far:

  1. Sunday, Mar 14, 2010 – Steam Whistle Brewery, TO – Achilles St. Patrick’s Day 5K Run
  2. Saturday, Apr 3, 2010 – High Park, Toronto – Harry’s Spring Run Off 8km
  3. Sunday, May 2, 2010 – Yonge Street, Toronto – Sporting Life 10k Run
  4. Sunday, May 16, 2010 – Mississauga – Mississauga Marathon (half)
  5. (Saturday June 12 2010 – Jordan – Niagara Wine Country Run half marathon relay – tentative)
  6. (Saturday, June 26, 2010 – Queen’s Park, Toronto – Pride & Remembrance Run 5km – tentative)
  7. Sunday, July 11, 2010 – Distillery District, TO Acura Toronto 5km
  8. Saturday, Aug 21, 2010 – Leslie Spit, Toronto Midsummer Night’s Run 15km
  9. Sunday, Sept 26, 2010 – Waterfront, TO – Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon (full)

3 thoughts on “The Great Bikini Race of 2010

  1. Advances in medical technology, particularly in the area of nanotechnology, are progressing at such a rate that theoretically we could have a cure for ageing (or at least better methods of retarding ageing) before you reach a very advanced age.

    Nevertheless, I applaud your plan for self-improvement and your reasoning in getting your bikini-wearing while the getting is good. In all likelihood, the robot/ninja/pirate (pick one) overlords will destroy society as we know it before that cure comes through, and when that happens, you’ll be glad you stayed fit while the rest of us rue our laziness. And that’s my somewhat eccentric way of saying that I admire your commitment to physical excellence. I’m currently taking advantage of my youthful metabolism in a manner that’s sure to backfire if I keep it up indefinitely.

    Best of luck!

  2. I’ve decided to wear a bikini for the Around the Bay race. In your honour. I just hope I can find one that doesn’t make my ass look huge.

  3. …if Carbonman wears the bikini, make sure somebody takes the damned photo. I won’t be able to see it. I’ll be in boston with pipes and the gang.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *