In the year 2007 I resolve to:
Wow, I guess it’s a good thing I sold my soul to Satan today to get rid of my cold, because now I have room just above my ovaries (that’s where the soul is located, right?) to put in all the man-gear I’m going to need to knock up the lady in apartment 308.
Actually, we’ll probably need to try IVF, because I think the lady in 308 is about 72 years old. This might actually hurt her more than it hurts me.
On the plus side? I’m guessing a soul weighs about 4lbs, so I’m thinner now!
For those of you wondering why I’ve embraced eternal damnation, allow me to clarify. By ‘making a deal with the devil’, what I really mean is ‘taking antibiotics, despite my stauch anti-antibiotics philosophy,’ so let’s all pray whatever Keira gave me isn’t viral, fungal or parasitic and I’m not just wasting my time and building up my resistance to drugs. I hope it’s okay to mix antibiotics with ginseng, hawthorn berry, ginger, lemon, echinacea and voodoo, because there at this point there is NOTHING I won’t try to get well in less than 24 hours.
See, I’ve decided to not be sick tomorrow, and be awesome instead. In healthy, immunocompetant individuals, the common cold resolves in seven days on average. But I just don’t have that kind of time. So, my conversations on NYE will probably go like this…
“What’s that? No, I feel great! My neck is always this swollen! By the way, don’t let me operate any motor vehicles, as I am under the influence of at least 4 opiate-based analgesics, 3 antihistamines, and a friendly little vasoconstrictor I like to call adrenaline! Wazzup! [insert air guitar motion here] See, my leukocytes just aren’t stepping up to the plate, so I’ve decided, fuck phagocytosis. Go, go, gadget COX-2 inhibitors!”
ps – I love Wikipedia.