January Is So Over

First, a happy birthday wish to Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery, The Angriest Cat On Earth. Happy thirteenth, buddy. Please stop trying to mangle my left ankle when I walk into the bathroom on a morning: scar tissue is starting to form above my talus. You’re a rotten bastard, but I’ll hug you when I get home anyway. Kisses.

Next, I’m going to try to keep a montly tally of books read. Here’s January:
1. Stuart McLean – Stories from the Vinyl Cafe
2. Stuart McLean – Vinyl Cafe Unplugged
3. Stuart McLean – Secrets From the Vinyl Cafe
4. Miriam Toews – A Complicated Kindness
5. Kazuo Ishiguro – When We Were Orphans
6. David Rose – They Call Me Naughty Lola
7. Robert C. O’Brien – Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH
8. Diane Setterfield – The Thirteenth Tale (1/2 done)
9. Guy Gavriel Kay – Tigana (1/2 done)

Lastly, I’d like to talk about my new circus trick “the disappearing rack act”. I recognize that a side-effect of training for distance running is weight loss, and I’m okay with that. I like my curves, but muscle tone will replace lost emphasis in the derrière and mammaries, and that’s fine. What is *not* fine is that I spent $150 on sports bras only two months ago, and now those sports bras are useless. “Loosey goosey” doesn’t begin to describe the fierce jiggly bouncing action that happens when I get up to a good 6-minute mile pace. I am seriously going to lose an eye. Sports bras are too expensive to replace again if I go down another cup size (is it petty of me not to want to get smaller than a B?) and my breasts are always the first area where fat disappears on my body and, well, it sucks.

To add insult to injury, I’m also suffering from a previously unheard-of titty breakout. For reals. Thanks to good genes and my zero tanning policy, my chest is home to some of the creamiest, smoothest woman-flesh this side of God’s green pastures in the sky. But I guess all the friction and sweat when I’m running has been aggravating the skin between my sweater puppets because it’s red and bumpy and I hate it! At twenty-nine, I consider cleavage acne UNACCEPTABLE. I rage against the machine that has brought me to this impasse: ever-decreasing waistline and improved cardiovascular health, or umblemished boobs? Choose wisely, young grasshopper. Sigh. I choose running. Stupid, sweaty running.

10 thoughts on “January Is So Over

  1. I (obviously) choose unblemished boobs! 😀

    It might also be the weather — thick, dry winter skin = clogged pores and backne, chestcne, buttcne, legcne – it’s all possible at this time of year. But since, as you say, January is so over, maybe this too shall pass.

  2. Sports bras should be bought so that they’re borderline uncomfortably tight. SO if you need to get new ones, get ’em tight. Also, having seen your rack, I seriously doubt you’re going to go lower than a B cup.

    Zits in the cleavage – ah, the running scourge. Since I don’t really have cleavage, my body compensates by giving me back zits or shoulder zits sometimes. I would first recommend that you use some kind of exfoliant when you shower. A light loofah, or at least one of those shower puffs. Stop using soap and get some kind of body wash that won’t do anything to irritate your skin (Aveeno is good times). You want some moisturizing, but not a lot of heavy scent. You may want to also consider washing your running clothes in unscented soap (did you know if you have any dri-fit type running stuff you have to avoid fabric softener at all costs and not wear any cotton underneath it? A tip).

    THEN. You maybe need to get some AHA action going on in the cleavage area so that you can keep exfoliating the gross little zittles. Paula’s Choice (www.PaulasChoice.com) has a really good 10% AHA body lotion that people RAVE about. It also has anti-irritants and anti-oxidants to make it all the more special. Worth considering.

  3. You are an endless font of useful body maintenance advice, and I am so grateful that you continue to read my horrible, horrible body-related TMI.

    Thanks! (see icon for my beautiful pre-zit cleavage… *sob*)

  4. Speaking of delicious womanflesh, next month’s booklist should include your copy of ‘Tipping the Velvet’, which is totally on my bedside table, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. I’ll finish Tigana, then get right on that.

  5. I am often subjected to the cleavage acne, even without the side benefit of improved cardiovascular health. SO ENTIRELY WRONG. So I have no advice, but I feel your pain, like, entirely. WOE.

  6. If I never see or hear the word “sweater puppets” again, it’ll be too soon.

    The boob shrinkage has to be helping with the gaping button-up shirt issue though, I’m totally jealous…

  7. HIGHLY recommend “YOU SUCK” by Christopher Moore. But before you read that read his previous work “A DIRTY JOB”. They are just…fantastic. A dirty job was touching too in many ways at the same time being funny and….oh I’ll stop. That’s my two cents.

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