Old Fort Bay, Nassau, Bahamas: aka Fatmaking Central

People tell me that the major drawback to smoking pot is the weight gain associated with getting “the munchies” after a relaxing round of deep herbal inhalation.

I’ve got zero experience of pot-munchies; never been a fan of cauterizing my delicate pink lung tissue with burning smoke. But I sympathize, based on my experiences with the intoxicating world of booze.

Apparently, alcohol can act as a meal-replacement, except without any of the essential vitamins or nutrients. But in my own experience, I find it to be less satiating of the hunger, and more with the incitement to gluttony. Thus, the fountains of rum that runneth out of my aunt and uncle’s kitchen are making me… well… FAMISHED. All. The. Time.

No big deal, right? It’s the holidays. Everyone eats over the holidays. Weight gain is to be expected. But here’s what you *don’t* know. In my aunt and uncle’s gigantic refrigerator, which is so high-tech it can do everything except the cha-cha, there is an unusually high ratio of “fatmaking” to “healthy” foods. Allow me to demonstrate my point:

FATMAKING
4 boxes Boursin garlic & herbs cream cheese
3 jars English Double Devon Cream
3 family-sized Toblerone bars
2 bottles Moet & Chandon brut rose champagne
2 slabs French Venison Pate
2 rounds Creamy White Stilton with Apricots
2 rounds Creamy White Stilton with Mango & Ginger
2 French baguettes
1 pint half-and-half cream
1 block Balderson’s Aged White Canadian Cheddar
1 humongous vat of leftover Coconut Chicken Curry
1 tin ‘Rillettes de Lapin’ (something to do with bunnies???)
infinite supply of Kalik Gold extra strength beer
HEALTHY
1 bag brussel sprouts
1 red onion
1 carton fat-free milk
1 crate eggs

I’m too scared to even look in the freezer or dried food pantry. I’m avoiding the unspeakably large pile of chocolates, for now.
Good thing I brought elasticized pants.

21 thoughts on “Old Fort Bay, Nassau, Bahamas: aka Fatmaking Central

  1. I’ve got zero experience of pot-munchies; never been a fan of cauterizing my delicate pink lung tissue with burning smoke. But I sympathize, based on my experiences with the intoxicating world of booze.

    Apparently, alcohol can act as a meal-replacement, except without any of the essential vitamins or nutrients. But in my own experience, I find it to be less satiating of the hunger, and more with the incitement to gluttony. Thus, the fountains of rum that runneth out of my aunt and uncle’s kitchen are making me… well… FAMISHED. All. The. Time.

    You and me both! First and second paragraphs – exactly me. Bizarre.

  2. is a family-sized Toblerone one of those enormous ones you have to pick up with two hands? cause man, i could go for 3 of those.

    and b), you should find someone who owns a vaporizer. what it does, see, is to heat your herbal product to a temperature that it doesn’t actually combust, but all the oils evaporate from it and you inhale that instead. so it’s not smoke. it’s … vapor. cause, like the man says, everybody must get stoned.

  3. Waaahhh! Why is everyone having babies all of a sudden?

    Live Journal is like a soap opera that, no matter how often you tune in, there’s always a plot line you miss out on.

    Give it up, ‘phoebes. Who went and got themselves knocked up?

  4. The true cruelty of the situation is that, despite my serious addiction to cheese in all its delicious varities, I have an accompanying serious lactose intolerance problem. Damn enzymes!

  5. Separated at birth? We are both British. Well, sort of. I mean, I have a British passport. And my parents are both from the UK.

    But the important question – which of us is the *evil* twin?

  6. You know, I really am quite insulted at the insinuations that my family are gluttonous, weighted masses of cheese, chocolate and booze. It’s the holidays, damnit, and we are indulging. I will see to it that nothing in the fridge is allowed on your plate, seeing as you seem so upset about the contents of the fridge. The crate of eggs and red onion are all yours. 😛

  7. Awww… is cuzzy feeling guilty and angry about eating too much food?
    Is she angry that I had two scoops of Haagen-Dazs ice cream when we were in Fort Charlotte this afternoon and she had none?
    Does she wish I would stop using the damn computer all day when we should be down at the beach, working on our never-going-to-happen-because-our-family-has-no-pigment-we-only-freckle tans???

    I love you, Keira. Every last, dimply, pudgy inch of you.

    Kidding! You look marvelous. Let’s go eat some cheese… 🙂

  8. I have decided it is nobler in the mind and in the body to partake of as much nougaty, chocolately goodness as possible, and have begun to munch away at our many Toblerone bars. Mmm…

    They are indeed the mega-huge variety. Bigger than Scrooge’s Christmas goose that he sends over to Bob Cratchet’s house. In fact, I’m 99% sure that’s how they market them.

    Must go now, family calling me to play board games in the great hall.

    xoxo Marla

  9. What happened to you getting a *real* Live Journal name as a birthday gift to me?!?! Get on that, would you? It will take two seconds.

    Here, you can be: sparkly_diva, or maybe meg_with_an_h, or perhaps nomoremullets, or stcroixsurvivor or even irie_for_arias.

    Just please sign yourself up and quit your skulking around! Before I spank you! Or send Lorne to do it!

  10. Ye Gods! You’re in the bloody Bahamas and you’re posting like it’s going out of style. Eat the cheese dammit, and enjoy. It’s back to chicken breasts and EasyMac when you return, and that sensation that only 3-1 instant tea can produce (nausea). And yes, get the hell outside and start taking piccies of everything, work on that ‘tan’ and leave the damn computer alone.
    Mind you, if you can smuggle some of the fridge…. no no no. forget i mentioned it… Boursin, mmmmmmmm.

  11. …And I’m serious this time. I just need to ‘validate’ this thing and I’m good to go with the comments. Of course, I used my home email to which I have no access from work. Dangit! *smacks head*

    Soon, grasshopper, soon you will have comments from a source you recognize.

    M.

  12. Mia the Magnificent here. I know, I know, you missed me. Likewise. Meggie hooked me up to this site to while away the hours at the DMO reception. You need to haul your white ass back up here to amuse me. It’s dire.

    I didn’t procreate, but C. and I got a puppy on Monday – his name is Huckleberry.

    Love him. Hate the fact that he yowls all night in his crate as if he’s being skinned alive. I call it the “Crate Aria.”

    Also I have a cold. Feel sorry for me.

    Miss you sucker,
    M.M.

  13. She really loves me. I know this because I just steamrolled her, and she hasn’t kneed me in the face yet. That’s love. Right, cousin?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *